Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
