pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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