Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
