i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
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