So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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