I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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