You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
