Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
