Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
