and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we're making bets on your personal life
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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