No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
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After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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