note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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