i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
