would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
