I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
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