What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
