i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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