yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
