have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
