I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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