I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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