i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
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I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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