Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
