It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
