he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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