If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
