Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
