He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
