What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
