Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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