someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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