his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
