Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
im holly from the hills drunk
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
