How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
