Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
