who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
