I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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