I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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