Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
