There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
