just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My breasts were aching with rage.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
