Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
