If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
