cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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