Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
