Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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