what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
