for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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