Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
