woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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