i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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