ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
