She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
