11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
