I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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