i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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