I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
