wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
