my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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